[Will]

Before you start, make sure to line up the following supplies: A few rags, a large flat-bladed screwdriver or small pry-bar, an assortment of sockets & wrenches, bandaids, new gaskets, medical tape & several large steril gauze pads, a fire extinguisher, pliers, wire cutters, a phone programmed to speed dial 911 from every key (keep this in your back pocket), and most importantly, a half-case of beer. If you're from a "rural" area or just like to make things challenging, better get a case and double the suggested consumption rate.

Once you have the necessary supplies laid in, open the hood and stare at the engine compartment just long enough to get a good idea how to take it apart, but not quite long enough to remember how it all goes back together.

Drink a beer while pondering the situation.

Unhook the wires from the temp sensor (if it's in the manifold) and the back of the alternator. Practice arc-welding when undoing the large wire with the shielded terminal by touching the wrench to a valvecover. Remember how your shop teacher said "disconnect the battery first" so many times and how you took it as so much "please be extremely, overly careful, and at all times show restraint while even thinking about entering the shop area because if you don't and you get hurt I could lose my job and your parents could come into some money."

Drink another beer to remind yourself to unhook the battery. Ponder that you might have needed the fire extinguisher and quite possibly the pre-programmed phone if you'd unhooked the fuel line first.

Breathe a sigh of relief once the hoses, wires, tubes, and throttle cable are removed from the carb, manifold, and anywhere else they get in the way. If water gushes from the thermostat housing, remember that it's a good idea to drain a little coolant at about the same time you needed to unhook the battery. Drink another beer and think real hard about where all those vacuum hoses and tubes go or label them with tape and a marker. Naw, don't bother, you'll remember.

If you don't have A/C, skip to the next paragraph. If you do have A/C, remove the bolts for the upper compressor brackets. Note: this may require removal of the belt and some other stuff from the compressor assembly. Drink another beer.

If you don't have A/C, and you skipped to here, drink another beer. Now you almost have enough beer cans for all your manifold bolts. Make another can available, then tear the tops off them and empty any residual swill. A utility knife makes can top removal easier if you're not man enough to just rip them off. If you are man enough, you'll probably be needing those gauze pads and the tape about now.

Remove the manifold bolts and the manifold itself with the carb still attached. The long screwdriver or prybar comes in handy here if some yutz used aviation sealant on the gaskets, or through the eons they've transmogrified into something like epoxy.

Raise another beer to the genius of the Pontiac engineer's design that doesn't require you to expose any of the internal workings of the engine and thus not dump gasket crud, coolant, and globs of gritty 25 year old grease into the lifter valley.

Clean off anything crusty stuck to the intake surface after stuffing some rags in the intake ports. A rag or a scotchbrite pad soaked in lacquer thinner works well, but beer will do in a pinch.

Slap the new gaskets on. If you don't anticipate changing the intake again for as long as you own the car, smear whatever super-sticky sealer-dealer on those gaskets you want. Chuckle as you envision some poor shmuck in the future attempting to remove this intake without an air chisel.

Carefully place the new intake into position and reinstall the bolts. Don't forget the long one. Grab a beer to drink while you go relieve yourself of its predecessors.

From the old intake, swap the carb and any attendant hardware, plus any sensors, small brackets, and funny plastic things with six vacuum nipples, half of which weren't connected before. Once you realize the wires to the sensor, throttle solenoid, and alternator need to lay underneath them, redo half the vacuum hoses . Don't forget, you still have five (10 for some) beers left. Better make that four (8).

Once everything's hooked up again and you only have two or three nuts, bolts, washers or funny plastic things with six vacuum nipples left over, you're ready for the moment of truth. Briefly panic when the turned key produces no response then remember you have to re-connect the battery in order for the car to start. Hook up the negative cable first so you can practice arc-welding again by allowing the wrench to contact the inner fender (for side-post batteries) or core support (for top-post batteries) while tightening the positive terminal.

If most of the gas drained out of the carb, remember to pour a little bit down the bowl vent so the engine will start. After you've blown up a muffler, suffered near cardiac arrest and scared the neighbor's cat up a telephone pole, you might want to think about double-checking the vacuum hose routing. Have another beer to slow down your heartrate and make the thought of paying for exhaust work more tolerable.

Depending on how bad your vacuum leaks were and how long it took you to find and fix them all you might only have one or two beers left. Perfect timing. Fire that bad-boy up and once it's idling good, stare at the water gushing from between the water pump and intake coolant crossover. Now you know what that "extra rubber washer" was for.

Find a comfy couch or hammock to lay on for awhile and drink the last of your beer. Tell yourself you really don't mind doing it over tomorrow and you're too faced right now to take it for a test drive anyway. If you used aviation gasket sealer on it, start thinking about renting an air chisel.

Hope you find this helpful.

[Will]

Before you start, make sure to line up the following supplies: A few rags, a large flat-bladed screwdriver or small pry-bar, an assortment of sockets & wrenches, bandaids, new gaskets, medical tape & several large steril gauze pads, a fire extinguisher, pliers, wire cutters, a phone programmed to speed dial 911 from every key (keep this in your back pocket), and most importantly, a half-case of beer. If you're from a "rural" area or just like to make things challenging, better get a case and double the suggested consumption rate.

Once you have the necessary supplies laid in, open the hood and stare at the engine compartment just long enough to get a good idea how to take it apart, but not quite long enough to remember how it all goes back together.

Drink a beer while pondering the situation.

Unhook the wires from the temp sensor (if it's in the manifold) and the back of the alternator. Practice arc-welding when undoing the large wire with the shielded terminal by touching the wrench to a valvecover. Remember how your shop teacher said "disconnect the battery first" so many times and how you took it as so much "please be extremely, overly careful, and at all times show restraint while even thinking about entering the shop area because if you don't and you get hurt I could lose my job and your parents could come into some money."

Drink another beer to remind yourself to unhook the battery. Ponder that you might have needed the fire extinguisher and quite possibly the pre-programmed phone if you'd unhooked the fuel line first.

Breathe a sigh of relief once the hoses, wires, tubes, and throttle cable are removed from the carb, manifold, and anywhere else they get in the way. If water gushes from the thermostat housing, remember that it's a good idea to drain a little coolant at about the same time you needed to unhook the battery. Drink another beer and think real hard about where all those vacuum hoses and tubes go or label them with tape and a marker. Naw, don't bother, you'll remember.

If you don't have A/C, skip to the next paragraph. If you do have A/C, remove the bolts for the upper compressor brackets. Note: this may require removal of the belt and some other stuff from the compressor assembly. Drink another beer.

If you don't have A/C, and you skipped to here, drink another beer. Now you almost have enough beer cans for all your manifold bolts. Make another can available, then tear the tops off them and empty any residual swill. A utility knife makes can top removal easier if you're not man enough to just rip them off. If you are man enough, you'll probably be needing those gauze pads and the tape about now.

Remove the manifold bolts and the manifold itself with the carb still attached. The long screwdriver or prybar comes in handy here if some yutz used aviation sealant on the gaskets, or through the eons they've transmogrified into something like epoxy.

Raise another beer to the genius of the Pontiac engineer's design that doesn't require you to expose any of the internal workings of the engine and thus not dump gasket crud, coolant, and globs of gritty 25 year old grease into the lifter valley.

Clean off anything crusty stuck to the intake surface after stuffing some rags in the intake ports. A rag or a scotchbrite pad soaked in lacquer thinner works well, but beer will do in a pinch.

Slap the new gaskets on. If you don't anticipate changing the intake again for as long as you own the car, smear whatever super-sticky sealer-dealer on those gaskets you want. Chuckle as you envision some poor shmuck in the future attempting to remove this intake without an air chisel.

Carefully place the new intake into position and reinstall the bolts. Don't forget the long one. Grab a beer to drink while you go relieve yourself of its predecessors.

From the old intake, swap the carb and any attendant hardware, plus any sensors, small brackets, and funny plastic things with six vacuum nipples, half of which weren't connected before. Once you realize the wires to the sensor, throttle solenoid, and alternator need to lay underneath them, redo half the vacuum hoses . Don't forget, you still have five (10 for some) beers left. Better make that four (8).

Once everything's hooked up again and you only have two or three nuts, bolts, washers or funny plastic things with six vacuum nipples left over, you're ready for the moment of truth. Briefly panic when the turned key produces no response then remember you have to re-connect the battery in order for the car to start. Hook up the negative cable first so you can practice arc-welding again by allowing the wrench to contact the inner fender (for side-post batteries) or core support (for top-post batteries) while tightening the positive terminal.

If most of the gas drained out of the carb, remember to pour a little bit down the bowl vent so the engine will start. After you've blown up a muffler, suffered near cardiac arrest and scared the neighbor's cat up a telephone pole, you might want to think about double-checking the vacuum hose routing. Have another beer to slow down your heartrate and make the thought of paying for exhaust work more tolerable.

Depending on how bad your vacuum leaks were and how long it took you to find and fix them all you might only have one or two beers left. Perfect timing. Fire that bad-boy up and once it's idling good, stare at the water gushing from between the water pump and intake coolant crossover. Now you know what that "extra rubber washer" was for.

Find a comfy couch or hammock to lay on for awhile and drink the last of your beer. Tell yourself you really don't mind doing it over tomorrow and you're too faced right now to take it for a test drive anyway. If you used aviation gasket sealer on it, start thinking about renting an air chisel.

Hope you find this helpful.

[KevinDush]

Will, that was great! *LOL* We need more light-hearted stories like this (like we used to on the old board), keep them coming!

Later,
Kevin

[David Holmberg]

LOTFLMAO! One other thing, add two beers when you pry the intake off and find out you forgot the long water pump bolt. You made this up..... Right?

[Will]

Thanks guys. Every once in a great while something like this bubbles up out of my subconscious and I write it down. I did make it up, but have to be honest and say it was inspired by one of those humorous e-mails that make their way around the net which concerned how a man changes the oil in his car vs. how a woman does it.