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Old 06-10-2018, 12:00 PM
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Default Having an adult parent living at your home

Since this past January my 96 YO mother decided that she was going to sell her condo in Scottsdale, and move back to Ohio to live closer to us as traveling back and forth more frequently was inconvenient for us, and would likely become needed more often as she aged.

Her thought was that she could still live independently in her own apartment and we would be close by if needed. We went out to visit and talk the logistics out in middle Jan. and as we spent 2 weeks out in Scottsdale it became apparent that although she was living by herself she was just barely getting by and she wasn't able to or just didn't care to, eat regular meals with enough nutrients to sustain her, hygiene wasn't a major consideration as showers were few and far apart.

She just wanted to sit in her Lazy boy and watch MSNBC with her TDS (Trump derangement syndrome), (she still cannot get over the dems losing the presidential election) and has high hopes that the Russian collusion investigation is going to prove that Trump and the Russians stole the election.

My wife is an RN/certified case manager for a major insurance company, and has 22 years experience as a working hands on nurse, plus close to 5 years as a case manager working with Medicaid/medicre patients. She is one of the most caring people you'd ever meet and assessed the situation with my mother, and decided she wasn't safe to live alone and she was at the extreme edge of failing at living alone.

Make a long story short, the condo sold in 4 days, we hired a moving company to move the cherished possessions to a storage unit here in Ohio. We told her she was going to be coming to our home to live (not a popular decision with my mother). Our long term goal is to buy a larger home with enough room to have her furniture with her, and something of a mother in law suite.

First thing as we get her to Ohio is she is malnourished, dehydrated, and has upper GI symptoms. Her muscles have atrophied because of her sitting in the damn Lazy Boy for the last 4 years. This requires numerous trips to the ER, the doctor, we had to get a home health care team of 2 physical therapists, a skilled nurse, and a bath aide. We have also had a psych nurse, and a nutritionist in to further assist in the rehab. The good news is her weight loss has turned around and she is probably twice as strong as she was when she got here. The doctor and nurses have diagnosed her with depression and she is on anti depressants at this point. She has a bad knee walks with a walker, and was fitted for a leg brace roughly a year ago and until the PT insisted she wear it, the brace just sat in the bag unused.

She has totally screwed up her financial situation by refusing to file federal tax returns near as we can figure out since 1994-95. We have retained an attorney to try to file back returns, but have almost no records to reconstruct her finances. Although we have gone out of our way over the last 6 months there is no appreciation at all for our efforts, only chronic complaining about anything and everything.

One avenue we have not done as yet, is family counseling, this is probably coming up shortly as my wife and I are about at the ends of our rope.

She is quite well as far as not exhibiting symptoms of Alzheimer's or dementia, and is able to manage her monthly finances as far as getting the bills in the mail, reconciling her checkbook and sending out the payments on time.

Now to get to the crux of the situation, my mother has turned our home into a battle zone. She is ready to complain or argue about most anything at any time. I'm just wondering if others have experienced anything similar and how you got through it without mass applications of alcohol...…………..LOL

Just throwing this out there to see if we could have overlooked something obvious that has worked for someone else.

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Old 06-10-2018, 12:21 PM
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My mother is 71 and will in all actuality be coming to live with me as she ages because my other siblings don’t have the room (which I don’t either) or are unwilling. Either way it’s my bag and I dread it because my mother is a pot stirrer of epic proportion.

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Old 06-10-2018, 12:29 PM
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If I had the option to share the load with siblings it would be fantastic, alas I'm an only child so there is no other place for her in the family.

I will add my wife is the one that insisted that we keep her with us as elder care will bleed her dry of any savings she has within a year or two. When the money runs out she will be shuffled off to a hell hole that isn't fit for anyone, let alone an elderly person to live at. I've been to State run elderly homes and I wouldn't want to be there myself, let alone send a family member there.

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100% Pontiacs in my driveway!!! What's in your driveway?

If you don't take some of the RACETRACK home with you, Ya got cheated

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Old 06-10-2018, 01:19 PM
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Brad, I feel for you. And kudos for doing the right (and totally thankless) thing. I am right behind you with my 85 year-old mother, also a Delusional Democrat. You need to address your mom as you would any non-logical/non-reasonable person. Don't argue, don't buy into the emotional turmoil. Simply say 'I love you, mom' and turn away. She'll lose interest in fighting if there's nobody to fight with. In my experience with my own fiercely liberal family members, they tend to think emotionally and are not accepting or tolerable of opposing opinions. Therefore, they tend to want to fight when presented with realities. Again, my heart goes out here, as this is a very tough situation.

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Old 06-10-2018, 01:52 PM
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Jeff made some good points, and the reality is that most of us will face end of life issues with our parents. A support group can make all the difference. In general I think large families are a benefit in this regard; more hands to share the burden. Also, a church family can be very helpful. My dad spent the last 6 months of his life in our home with prostate cancer that had spread into his bones. He was in a lot of pain even with the morphine, but he never complained about anything. That was the way he was brought up. His church 'family' took a lot of the load off of my wife and me and they were very supportive right up until the end. With your own mom you may have to take the 'tough love' approach to make it work; she needs to know the ground rules if she is to be in your home. Loving her doesn't mean you have to put up with unacceptable behavior.

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Old 06-10-2018, 02:00 PM
Baron Von Zeppelin Baron Von Zeppelin is offline
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Nice little camper in backyard , or driveway.
Call it a private bungalow for wayward women.

Will sound almost heartless at first , but its really not.
And have seen it work wonders in several situations for both young and old.
Stress and Fuss factors reduce about 75 - 99% , on both sides.

No idea on the income tax situation.
Sounds like its been holding its own , swept under the rug.

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Old 06-10-2018, 03:33 PM
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The attorney (Trump supporter) told her that since Trump took office he has gutted the IRS and the audit rate is way down at this time. I told her "Thank God Trump was elected and he may be the only way she might get by not filing for 20 + years". As usual she saw no humor in the statement...…………………………


Some good points have been made here, keep the ideas coming , I may not have to kill my liver to survive this...………………………….

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100% Pontiacs in my driveway!!! What's in your driveway?

If you don't take some of the RACETRACK home with you, Ya got cheated

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Old 06-10-2018, 03:53 PM
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Talk to her doctor and tell him/her what your situation is. The doctor may be able to prescribe medication to calm her down. Of course your wife with her training will have some insight into this. Other than that and even with that you and your wife may want to try and find a support group of some kind as you are not the only ones in your situation in your area, trust me.

My mother passed in '97 at age 87 and was like your mom philosophically from what you describe. She had just come to live with us then but had to be hospitalized and passed away in the hospital. Had that not happened we would have been in the same situation you are now in. I loved my mother dearly but am glad I didn't have to face what you are facing. Good luck to you and your wife.

As far as the alcohol thing Jack Daniels is good. Just kidding that only makes it worse.

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Old 06-10-2018, 04:37 PM
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Brad..half the stuff you described about her is dementia or Alzheimer like..

my mom was diagnosed this year with early onset..and much you described is exactly what i could describe about her..

get a real diagnosis...my Mom was a nurse..and knows everything about everything medical..and she says she doesnt have it..3 doctors say she does...meds help prolong her mental state and i put her on a strict diet she fight every day tooth and nail...lots of vegetables..and healthy fats...lots of fish..she hates me half the time..but after the diet change..she leveled out..i'm not saying shes normal..shes consistent..and has a level mood...instead of up and down daily..or hourly...

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Old 06-10-2018, 05:27 PM
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Mark, my wife is an RN, she also feels that there is mild beginnings of dementia, but also at close to 97 YO it's somewhat expected too.

We have changed the diet and she has gained back some of the weight, wife has her on high protein foods, fish and high in healthy fats, supplemented with Boost shakes. Her diet is good at this point. My mother wanted to be in charge of what she ate so we have given those choices to her. We have noticed that she isn't adhering 100% to the diet prescribed and she knows if she starts losing weight again we will take charge of her diet again.

The doc has prescribed Remeron which is an anti depressant and it's not working as good as hoped for. We were at the docs last week and she was talking about adding another med to the Remeron. All the people that have talked to my mother agree she has a definite case of depression. I have dealt with depression myself and believe the depression could have gone on for decades. My mother and I have not gotten along well since I was about 12 years old, mental illness, or bi polar condition, is also a possibility.

It's a delicate balance all the time and yes she probably hates my wife and I, 50% of the time. It's akin to raising a child, you're not looking to be their friend. When my daughter told me she hated me, I knew I was doing a good job...…………

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100% Pontiacs in my driveway!!! What's in your driveway?

If you don't take some of the RACETRACK home with you, Ya got cheated

  #11  
Old 06-10-2018, 06:23 PM
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I think everyone in that generation is a liberal democrat. My uncle who I loved was a child of the great depression and ever since the NEW DEAL was a died in the wool democrat. Even after he passed my aunt who would have never had a black person in her home voted for Obama because he was the democratic candidate and I was blown away.

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Old 06-10-2018, 06:47 PM
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i feel like the roles have reversed..and i am a parent, and my Mom is an 11 year old brat sometimes...well almost always..talk about manipulating people holy cow..she uses the sympathy card when she can, and if it doesnt work..its a temper tantrum...

shes been pretty normal..watch all meds..they had my Mom so over medicated..she has 3 Doctors for 3 diff reasons, and they didnt communicate well...most of the time in the winter she sounded drunk and couldnt complete a sentence..after i blew up at her primary care Doc..and told him i was gonna sue his butt off if she died because of all the meds he was shoving down her...they called a specialist in, and it took a week for him to research her meds and change a bunch of it....things changed for the good...shes pretty normal, and sounds like she did 20 years ago..and is literally taking 1/2 of the amount of meds she was on..she was on 3 blood pressure pills...3??? WTF...

In a year she will be living with my sister..if not sooner..if i miss a week of talking to her..i can tell...she is not even close to happy about it either..loosing her freedom is just eating on her...and shes getting nasty to my Niece...which is new...luckily the kid has a good heart and understands...she just picks at her..I hate it...

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Old 06-10-2018, 07:54 PM
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My mom went down hill after my dad passed away. She ended up being diagnosed with a defective heart valve, but there were concerns she might not be able to survive surgery. After an intensive bout of exams, doctors decided she was too weak to survive surgery. She went into a nursing home for a month for rehab. There were problems with figuring out where she would go. I have two siblings. One has MS and was not capable of taking care of her, the other didn't have room because his adult daughter and two kids were there. I live 3 hrs away, so she didn't want to move to a new area where none of her friends would come to see her. I had started setting up our spare bedroom for her, but she passed away in her sleep two days before she was to be discharged.

I want to give a word of wisdom to all with elderly parents. Do not let them sleep in their recliners. My mom slept in her recliner for probably five or six years. She walked hunched over and could not fully straighten her back. When doctors were evaluating her for potential heart surgery, she was placed in an MRI machine. The technicians had her fully straighten out, but since those muscles were out of shape, it was extremely painful. She was in extreme pain after the MRI was performed, was taking morphine and a variety of strong pain medications. She went down hill badly, was almost in a trance most of the time. Medicare had authorized several months of rehab, but she wasn't trying so they told the family she would be discharged after a month.

I spoke with her arthritis doctor, and he wasn't aware she was sleeping in a recliner. He said he strongly recommends against it because the legs and back are rarely straight after that.

Mike

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Old 06-10-2018, 10:27 PM
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A lot of you guys are living pieces of my life. Dad passed away in February. Mom is in her mid 80's with failing health, a bad heart valve and leg pain that cuts into her mobility. I'm seeing her have more confusion and memory failures. My brother and sister live out of state.
Lots on my plate too.

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Old 06-10-2018, 11:48 PM
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There is no easy or right or wrong answer for this. Have had my wife's mom, ( now 86) live with us for a few years. was not real happy with it but had no choice so to speak. She would be bitchy at my wife and they had bad days and good days. My wife was also a Long term care nurse, LPN, that work for a care home and knew how to look after the elderly. Was not easy. I spent a lot of hours in the shop working on my car to try and move myself away from the situation. Probably not the best thing to do but at the time it was all I could do. Different that your situation, but as said earlier they are all different. her Mom now lives in a care home and my wife spends more then 8 hours a day at. Wife is on Disabilty so does not work anymore. Hope things work out for ya. Also remember that we are also getting older and that maybe our kids might not want to look after us?? Maybe get them involved as well. Every situation is different.

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Old 06-11-2018, 02:16 AM
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My Dad turned 90 in 2016 and I drove across country to his 90th birthday party. He was very happy to see me and lucky for him had all his marbles but was physically close to an invalid. My stepmom for lack of a better word is nuts. He wouldn't talk to us in front of her. I found out he had fallen and broke his right arm and she WAITED two days to take him to the hospital. She would force him to sit in a chair for hours when he wanted to sleep and give him a can of cold beans and say "Here's your supper" I, along with my two sisters were furious. My younger sister is a very strong willed woman you don't mess with. She convinced my Dad to come live with her and took wonderful care of him. He was very happy for the last two months of his life. He had left $18,000 for his final arrangements with as far as we knew my sister was the executor. Wrong. My stepmonster harassed/tortured him until he made her the executor and the bitch gave us "0" saying we murdered him. All us kids had to pony up the money. He was a WWII vet and was buried with full Military honors.

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Old 06-11-2018, 03:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SRR View Post
My Dad turned 90 in 2016 and I drove across country to his 90th birthday party. He was very happy to see me and lucky for him had all his marbles but was physically close to an invalid. My stepmom for lack of a better word is nuts. He wouldn't talk to us in front of her. I found out he had fallen and broke his right arm and she WAITED two days to take him to the hospital. She would force him to sit in a chair for hours when he wanted to sleep and give him a can of cold beans and say "Here's your supper" I, along with my two sisters were furious. My younger sister is a very strong willed woman you don't mess with. She convinced my Dad to come live with her and took wonderful care of him. He was very happy for the last two months of his life. He had left $18,000 for his final arrangements with as far as we knew my sister was the executor. Wrong. My stepmonster harassed/tortured him until he made her the executor and the bitch gave us "0" saying we murdered him. All us kids had to pony up the money. He was a WWII vet and was buried with full Military honors.
What an outrage. Unbelievable. My heart goes out to you and your family.....and everybody else here (and there are many of us) who are dealing with declining parents and loved ones.

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Old 06-13-2018, 01:26 PM
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We recently had to take mom out of her house and move her into an "independent" living facility. I personally think she's to much for them and can see her going into a more nursing home setting. She has vascular dementia and is slowly going blind from a non-cancerous tumor, along with a cataract in one eye and an eye that had the cataract removed without getting the vision back due to her vascular issue. 68 years of heavy smoking does that. We briefly discussed moving her in but realized that we couldn't keep up with her. I had the "talk" with her a few months ago and I have to tell you that telling your mother that she's got to leave the house she's been in for a couple of decades is not for the faint of heart. She's now basically forgotten her house and the smokes she enjoyed all those years are not even a distant memory. She's forgotten. We have to call her to tell her to go down to get up for 8am breakfast at the cafeteria and a lady that lives above her stops by and takes her to lunch and supper. A bath? I think she'd never take one but my wife makes sure she does every couple of days. Talk about complaining.....mom DOES NOT like to get a shower. Ever tried coaching a nearly blind dementia patient through changing the TV channel via telephone? I've made the 2 mile drive a couple of times just to rescue her from her TV.

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Old 06-13-2018, 02:52 PM
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Does my wife count?

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