Aging parent problems
 

If you have ever had to force an elderly parent to stop driving, how did you reason with them? Or did you just pull the plug and let the chips fall? My Mom is 90 and is a threat on the road, I just can't convince her of it.

Up here in Canada, the persons doctor has a say in things, possibly ask doc if they can ask for a drivers test. Most in that age don't pass the test.
My Dad just passed his driving test last year, heard they were going do it once a year. He does not drive at night anymore, age 87.

Yep, we are dealing with that now. I think it varies by state in the US as to a doctors responsibility to file a report with the DMV. Father in law is 90, but hasn't had an accident, doctor isn't reporting anything requiring him to stop ... but he IS going to have an accident, just a matter of time (not long).

But ... any family member that gets involved is going to be disowned .. this guy was head of a big company, used to being in charge of everything. Drives big fancy cars, always been one of his things, any child that takes that away from him will be persona-non-grata.

I advised my wife (his daughter) not to get involved. The kids have no legal basis to stop him from driving and so he will keep driving, except he will keep driving and also feel his children have betrayed him.

He lives in a very nice community in Naples FL. He could very easily have a limo service take him everywhere he wants or needs to go, but he won't do it. If it was me ... jeez, I'd be getting rides everywhere and enjoying the heck out of my last few years. And by enjoying I mean going to dinner and getting hammered :)

My mother was not planning to stop driving and was pretty aggressive about anyone trying to stop her, but she scared herself once or twice and changed her mind. She was about to turn 90 when she figured it out and did not renew her licence. She is 93 now and drives a mobility scooter to the local grocery stores on nice days.

When she soften her stance and said maybe she would give up her car, she tried Taxis a few times and it went well. When she told me to find someone to buy the car I didn’t waste any time, in case she changed her mind. About a month after all this she started having regrets, but the scooter has helped and she knows she is not really able, but she stilll misses driving.

Hopefully you Mom figures it out very soon.

P.S. I just remembered, My Mom had a close friend who gave up his licence about a year or two before her and told her a couple of times he didn’t miss driving half as much and he thought he would. His influence helped a lot. Is there someone her age who could council her?

Luckily my mom handed over the keys on her own at 70. Hope you have brothers and sisters to help you out.

Actually taking away her car keys was pretty easy. It was taking away her cigarettes that was a problem.

We called the DMV on her. That way they could be the bad guys, and since she had respect for authority there was no argument.

She had to go in for an interview and an on road test. She did so poorly during the interview that they never even made it to the road. They took her license on the spot.

K

My parents were fairly easy. Mom quit driving but kept her car and license "just in case".

After she was gone, Dad moved into assisted living and took his car with him. But that put him in a new unfamiliar neighborhood which had me super worried. He grew up in the depression so he was super frugal. I mentioned to him that I took him to all of his appointments, the assisted living facility has a van that would take him places.....and he probably didn't need to keep paying license and insurance on the car. He liked that and it was sold shortly afterward. Whew!

Eric

My dad had dementia and got lost on his way to, and from, the barber shop, so my mother confiiscated his keys. That happened in Prescott AZ, so I was back East, and never had to get involved. This was about 2000, near as I remember. From what I heard he was pissed at first, but soon got used to my mother doing all the driving. Dad was about 85 when he started showing major signs of dimentia, so my mother was the decision maker of when he quit driving.

My mother drove until she was 96, 2017, and just decided she was going to stop driving on her own, so I again, dodged a bullet. I had ridden with her previously to the time she decided on her own, and I never felt she was a poor driver. When she told me she had decided to stop driving, she did make the comment that she was surprised I hadn't tried to get her to stop sooner, but having ridden with her, she was a better driver than the majority of drivers currently posessing drivers licenses............;) She was still able to get a renewal from AZ, so evidently they weren't concerned.

My father passed at 92, in 2007, due to complications from dimentia, my mother passed in 2020 due to a type of leukemia that affects the bone marrow's ability to produce white, and red blood cells. Her cognitive abilities were good until the leukemia started to have an effect, she was 2 1/2 months past her 99th birthday when she passed.

It all hinges on how well your body ages, and how long your health is good, everyone is different. Everyones reactions slow down as they age, and you have to be able to drive defensively to compensate for this. Currently I'm 71, and know my reactions have slowed some, but I also drive differently to allow for that. I guess if you can gauge how much your reactions have slowed, you can for a time make allowances to still be a safe driver. If you're unwilling to make allowances, you're denying that you've aged, and can be considered a hazard while driving.

To the OP, make a deal for the parent to get retested by the state, if the state passes the elder parent, you'll shut up about the issue. If the state says they're not competent, then they're the bad guys, not the children. If they're as sure that they'll pass the test, they may take you up on the offer. If they're as bad as you say, they won't have a snowballs chance in hell of passing. The state has the say so for new drivers to make sure they're competent before issuing a license, they should also have the duty to make sure elder drivers are still competent while driving.

Most people view driving as a right, but I learned long ago that it's a cherished priveledge, that can be taken away for various reasons. Rights, and priveledges aren't the same, and priviledges are only allowed, until they're abused, or the person can't meet the demands placed upon having the priviledge.

Rights should be granted to a person until they die, or a legally deemed unable to understand their rights, then the persons rights are transferred to a care giver. Priviledges can be denied when the person can no longer sustain the conditions placed upon the priviledge., there's a difference.

:2cents:

Tough discussion.

After totaling 2 cars in 6 months (without injury)...I told my mother that I would not buy her another car (or go with her to pick one out). I also mentioned that she would have to go to her GP and be evaluated/pass a DMV exam to continue driving, if she wanted to pursue. She should not have been driving, but I couldn't convince her to give it up on her own beforehand. It was not a fun time, as she was very social and the car represented her freedom/life.

For awhile she used Uber/Lyft for those few times I could not take her where she wanted to go. But her health/cognition further declined and is now in a skilled nursing facility.

My wife's father (85) however drives better than most people on the road today. We are carefully watching for any decline to initiate that difficult conversation.

Well played, you.

K

Touched on the subject with my dad(85)over the last month a few times. He had an acute stroke 2 monthes ago and was restricted for driving.
Almost a full recovery from it except for some hearing loss.
He has always been a good driver and still is.
Will be a hard subject when he HAS to stop, but I think he will realize it before we do.
Some of that self sufficiant living in Alaska still holding on.
My MIL(83) chose to stop when she moved back from Arizona a few years back because she was a bit uncomfortable with driving in an area that was not familiar.

Fortunately my father realized at around the age of 88 that he no longer had the reflexes to be a safe driver....quit on his own. If he hadn't we would have had to have the "conversation." His father drove until 93 and finally quit after he had an accident in which his girlfriend got seriously injured.

Disable the vehicle(s) in a manner
only you can remedy and take
all the keys away.


Jim

My father drove up until a week before he died. He was still a good and safe driver at 92 years old. Two weeks before he died, he drove the family in the dark to his favorite Mexican restaurant where he had to back up hill and wedge the car into a tight space. No back-up camera or other nanny features. I remember thinking I could never have pulled off that maneuver. He drove himself to the hospital to have his pacemaker replaced where they botched his surgery and killed him. So everyone is different when they should probably hand over the car keys.

I was the chauffeur last few years for Dad
He kept asking me to take him to DMV to renew his license which I ignored.
I was gone for a few hours and got a call from caregiver that was there....
He had flown the coop.
I got back before he did and was standing at the garage door when he drove in.
Where you been? "Walmart" what for I take you wherever you want to go? And why were you gone for 3 hrs?
"I got lost". Now its payback for all those times you stayed up waiting for me when I was a teenager!. You have no license
and if you got in an accident you wouldnt be insured so could lose everything for a random trip to walmart
He never drove again

My father is 100% dependent on a pace maker. His cardiologist office called and said they needed to do an urgent adjustment to his unit. He jumped in his car and drove 75 miles to the clinic.

I handled it this way: Dad, if your pace maker had gone out, what happens?
"I don't live". If you had died while driving, how many innocent lives could you have taken with you? He said he hadn't thought of that and agreed to call one of us to drive him in the future. He is 87.

If they are still self-aware enough of the repercussions of their actions, this may help the discussion.

James Q

One of my customers at work passed his drivers test at 102 NO Lie. Joe would only drive during the day on nice clear days. I road tested with him a few times and he was very aware of traffic situations. Joe passed away at 104. Rare driver for sure! Never had this with my parents but it is a problem with some older drivers.

At 90 my dad couldn't pass a driving test. Just took his car away before he killed himself or someone else because he would just drive anyway. Went to the dr. one day just to show him he can do what he wants and ran over the handicapped parking sign. Lots more stories. It was a hard thing to do but the right thing.

Something for us to think about. All these opinions have merit. But one day WE, if we live long enough, will be confronted with and/or demanded to give up this freedom of driving that we all cherish. It's not an easy thing to think about but how will we react when our time comes?
My parents didn't live long enough for me to have to deal with. My wife's dad gave it up on his own before he passed, her mom who is 93 finally gave it up on her own a couple years ago because of her vision.
Some will relinquish easily, but many of us probably not so much. We like to think that we will be reasonable and level headed when the time comes. Our matured brains and attitudes might think otherwise.
I'm reminded of younger folks complaining about encounters with older folks driving habits and them saying "that old foggy shouldn't be driving and should have his license taken away. I remind them that that may be you someday, if you live long enough!
Please consider when confronting your elders.

We were lucky with my dad. He was in his 80's and taking care of my mom in the large house where we grew up, she had dementia. When he was diagnosed with Parkinsons, he pulled his keys from his pocket and said, "Well I guess it's time to sell the Lincoln and move." All I could do was look to the heavens and say thank you!
My mother-in-law, however, was a different story. She had not driven for 3 years as my father-in-law did all of the driving. When he passed, she wanted to start driving again, in her mid 80's. She argued she could still drive! I said yes you probably can. I asked are your reflexes as fast as they used to be, and she agreed they were not. So, I asked will you be able to react when a young child darts in front of you chasing a ball? Can you live with the consequences? That seemed to sink in and the need to drive disappeared.

To lighten things up ....

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Another thing to consider is by the time some of us get to our 90's we'll just be getting in our self driving car and it will take us anywhere we want to go .. assuming we can remember where we want to go.

My wife was a social worker/case manager. She talked about this often. She would say something like we cant imagine what are parents are going through.They probably grew up with horses for travel then the car evolved. All the years traveling by car is just difficult to give up she would say. Some families if I remember correctly would want her to start the idea of not driving because of health.

Whitey (former Shop Boss at Moldex Crankshaft was getting old.
His son Joe still runs the Moldex Crankshaft business but with less people and more time between crankshaft jobs finished.

That being said Whitey and I used to have discussions about Sky Diving.
He had never done it before.

So Whitey and Joe did a Tantum Jump with experienced Sky Divers.

So Whitey went to heaven with a Jump in the books.

Everyone is posting about taking away driving a vehicle, etc.

Get in the Dam* car/truck WITH THEM and let them drive occasionally.

JMO

Tom V.

Whitey (former Shop Boss at Moldex Crankshaft was getting old.)
His son Joe still runs the Moldex Crankshaft business but with less people and more time between crankshaft jobs finished.

That being said Whitey and I used to have discussions about Sky Diving.
He had never done it before.

So Whitey and Joe did a Tantum Jump with experienced Sky Divers.

So Whitey went to heaven with a Jump in the books.

Everyone is posting about taking away driving a vehicle, etc.

Get in the Dam* car/truck WITH THEM and let them drive occasionally.

JMO (a PRESIDENT of the USA was Tantum Jumping long after people said he was too old.)

Tom V.

Aging parent problems
 

Taking away his car could likely be the start of his demise. Let him be. He’ll know when he’s ready. My mother is 90 and had the same situation. We noticed some small dings from backing up into things and a couple of scratches here and there, scuffed tires. She only drove to the store and hair dresser, etc, no highways or anything like that. So we let her drive. Then one day 2 years ago she said doesn’t want to drive anymore.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Ah - funny story about Mac McKellar.

In his last years living at the house he started trying to take off in the Grand Prix. Jeff Denison and Mac's daughter would visit and find that he had dented the quarter panel, or hit the garage going in or out.

They would take away his keys, only to find (somehow) he would do it again.

They figured he had spare keys stashed somewhere that only he knew about. They must have taken away about 5 sets before he finally ran out.

K

https://forums.maxperformanceinc.com...1&d=1711626849

Both my parents are in their mid 70's and can drive well. My wife is slowly losing her vision and gave up driving 5 years ago. When it comes time I'll have the tough discussion with my parents. Won't be easy but is what it is.

About 20yrs ago a friend and co-worker had to have the discussion with his father. I told him to take the keys before he killed someone. But he wasn't the assertive time. I think he grew up in the early 60's when the father really ruled the roost with a heavy hand. But the time came when he went to get his car inspected, leaving the service station he ran into a truck with a plow on the front. An employee of the station had to run over, through the window put the car in park and shut the car off. The old man asked why he did that. After that my friend just took the car from his father and the father up until the week he died asked why he took the car away.

Lots of good and helpful responses here, thank you. Considering my mother is about to turn 90 in two weeks, has serious heart issues/dizziness, gets lost entering her residence at assisted living (in a new city), has difficulty operating a cell phone, and hit and injured a bicyclist 60 days ago, our family feels it's time to stop driving. Add macular degeneration to the list. Her age is not our major concern.
And I have ridden as passenger with her. It's not a relaxing experience.

We never took my dad's license away, DMV did.

Dad started showing signs of dementia in his late 70s. I lived 150 miles away, but my brother lived close by and had ridden with him to get gas for something. My brother told me that dad was all over the road and was forgetting how to get home. Dad had previously gone to his cabin in the mountains and gotten lost on the way there. My dad's drivers license was expiring soon. My brother and I talked about it, and decided that my brother would go to the DMV with dad. When it came time, my brother got to the DMV clerk's desk before dad and mouthed "he's dangerous". The lady told dad he needed to take a driving test this time, which he subsequently failed. My mom didn't have a driver's license, so he couldn't get insurance on his vehicles. That effectively ended dad's driving on highways. He still managed to run his 54" cut garden tractor into his motor home and hurt himself.

Dad only lived another 3 - 4 years after that as his dementia worsened. The lawn mower incident was the last time he operated any power equipment.

When we were dealing with my in laws, we blamed the DMV and Insurance company, that way no family member had to be singled out.

Good luck with it, as it can be a difficult conversation

Then certainly don't wait to do it.

Steve, I’ll try to text/call you later

This Post # 14. I would not get any agency involved in case she does decide to drive and something happens. Now she will have that working against her and you will fee like crap. Man up and pick up the keys and family members are now committed to help her out. Just like my wife did for her mother. Not only that, her son was living with his mother and driving the car with no license. Disaster waiting to happen. You have to be responsible to protect them.

Thanks for sharing all the responses, my Mom had to go thought this w my Dad @ 80. He nodded off after he made it into their gated addition. Ended up tracking down the road til their car missed the curve, then up into a wide driveway. Took out the corner masonry of a large home as well as one of the home's big garage doors. Near a decade later, my Mom & Inlaws (all in their early 80's) are driving fine, its just something to stay on top of.

Looking forward to Easter! Spending time with family @ my Moms.

Man up? I'm not asking her permission, I've had her car since the accident in January. I fixed the body and am about to put it up for sale. Read post #1. My siblings and I are having a hard time making her understand it's in her best interest. The last thing we want is for her to feel like we have betrayed her while we are trying to help. And as far as my commitment to to help her out, Vertigto has known for a couple years how this has been unfolding. I have to hand it to him, he has a worse situation than I have, and his mother is very lucky to have him and his wife to help her get through life. Our mothers only have one son each to look out for them.

It's a wonderful thing to have a mom still alive in our later year's.
We lost ours when I was 16, drunk driver slammed into her new Comet
when she was stopped at a light headed to her Nursing job on the night shift.