parenting questions
 

I'm engaged to a girl, she has a 13 year old son. I have an 11 year old son and a 7 year old daughter.

The boys get rough sometimes but my son is much larger so I don't have any real concerns there. But I feel like my fiancee's son is too rough with my daughter.

For instance, he wanted to play flag football with our whole family. First play we hand my daughter the ball and he immediately runs full speed at her and rips the flag off of her behind the line of scrimmage.

The three of them play a game where they kind of roughhouse with the mattresses and act like monkeys, she got hurt by him. I asked him what happened and he said "Hey, if she wants to play with the boys, that's what happens.?

The other day she was pitching baseball to him with one of those rubber baseballs - pretty firm and about the same weight as a baseball. She was 20 feet away from him and he's hitting the ball as hard as he can.

I'm thinking - you have got to be kidding me. A 13 year old boy should absolutely know how to control himself and make sure a 7 year old girl does not get hurt. If' you're playing flag football with a girl half your age, you back off and let her have some fun, maybe pull the flag off gently after letting her get a first down. If you're doing a silly monkey game, you're aware of your body at all times and make sure the younger kid doesn't get hurt. If you're being pitched to by a girl half your age, you hit the ball back gently and encourage her to field the ball. You don't play full speed trying to dominate a little girl or hit the ball back at her as hard as you can!

Am I wrong?

You might have problems with that one with that kind of attitude from him. You can’t help but be protective of your kids,,, especially daughters.

I don't think you're wrong. A 6 year age difference, and even 4 year difference at that age range is a lot, especially when it comes to physical games and sports. The 13 year old is hitting puberty so that's a problem, especially if he is defiant and dismissive when you try to talk to him. If that's his attitude and he won't change it then you could not allow your daughter to play with him in any kind of sports or rough games. But his defiance is the concerning thing. Maybe try having his mom talk to him. Complicated situation so good luck with it.

Good luck with this one! Any intel on the boy's father? Like what kind of prior history and parenting may be driving this? I assume you've already shared your concerns with your fiance?

Yeah we are in counseling about this and other issues.

His father is a GREAT guy. We get along really well, and his father would not tolerate this for a second.

He had a previous stepfather figure that was NOT great and my fiancee got used to defending him from the previous stepfather. I suspect that is where the real issue lies. She is wired to defend him at all costs because he was treated poorly.

well it sounds like you're headed in the right direction! good luck

You're Asking the Right Questions: Parenting Is a Journey
 

Parenting can feel like trial and error most days—you're not alone. I try to remind myself there's no one-size-fits-all answer. What works for one kid might not work for another. I lean on trusted advice, check in with my gut, and stay open to learning. If you're asking questions, you're already doing something right. Keep going—you’ve got this.

It’s hard to bond with a stepchild when they’re a little sh&? to begin with.

Keep up with the counseling. It's concerning you refer your fiancée as a girl.

if she was a boy, I wouldn't be engaged to her :D

LMAO

"He had a previous stepfather figure that was NOT great and my fiancee got used to defending him from the previous stepfather. I suspect that is where the real issue lies. She is wired to defend him at all costs because he was treated poorly"


You nailed it. Good luck.

Bring the birth-father into this equation more than he already is.
 

If he's a 'great guy' and the kid respects him, a good father-to-son talk might make a world of difference. He probably doesn't want things to escalate.

The kid is likely subconsciously acting out towards your kids because he's threatened by your relationship with his mother. Been there and done that.

I used a slightly unorthodox approach with 'bully' children when my kids were exposed to them. We'd have a 'little talk' where I explained to them privately that, even though they were bigger than whoever they were bullying, I was bigger than them.

And I was older, so I knew how to be meaner and get away with it. ;)

Never got to the point of anything physical, but there was definitely an implied threat........... Worked every time, thankfully !

Protect your daughter NO MATTER WHAT. She's an innocent in this situation.

Good luck with the 'blending' !

Yeah i think you are probably right!

The thing is it is just so hard to say something to someone else that is critical of their kid. I just think that would risk spoiling the relationship across households and I really value having a good relationship with the guy. Him and his current wife are great influences on my own kids as well.

I’d ask him for advice. You don’t need to make a big thing about it, just say things got a little rough and ask him how he’d handle it. I don’t think you’d risk anything with the relationship. If it were my kid, I’d sure as hell want to know, and I’d much rather work together on it than have you deal with it alone. You sound like a great figure in his kid’s life and I’m sure he wouldn’t want to upset that either!

How would you feel if your significant
other was posting on a public forum
about your personal relationship ?

Jim

do not care at all.

Exactly, no personal identifing info was given. Basically a generic subject that is not that uncommon in marriages with step children. Plus it shows you respect some of the members opinions here. Maybe you can get the step son into Pontiacs to calm him down a bit.

Well, congrats on knowing that boys and girls are different, and play differently. When you said he was too rough, and started the football story....I was surprised he only took the flag! I expected a full tackle. Boys aren't going to use good sense until.....mid 40s? Seriously, mine are too rough with their younger siblings, every now and then I give them the stern, red faced papa bear scolding and tell them to take it down a notch.

I'd caution against expecting a teenager (especially boy) to act as you'd desire (as far as gentleness or consideration of someone weaker). They're wired to compete and dominate. Manliness is being able to keep that in check. That takes guidance, preferably from a man. Team up with his dad, if at all possible. Fatherlessness is KILLING America from all angles.

Just stand nearby when the girl is involved, to give some guideance of restraint/control to the boy(s), and be ready to pull the girl out when it's a little too much. Easier typed than done. Best wishes.