[i82much]

Having some problems at home and wondering whether I am really the one being selfish. My fiancee and I live together and have a one year old. She works "full time" as an adjunct professor, works about 25 hours per week during the school year, summers and other breaks off. I work about 45-50 hours a week as an attorney and pay the mortgage, her new car payment, cell phone, gas & electric, etc. She does buy most of the food and to her credit, works hard to keep the house clean, feed the kid, and she really is a great mom.

We have huge arguments over how our mornings go. I like to exercise about 45 minutes per day - I run some wind sprints most mornings (takes about 15 minutes) and hit the gym for about 30 minutes for weights after work most days. I skip lunch (eat at my desk) to give me time. Usually I leave around 8:30 and get home around 6:30. I feel like I should be working more and probably getting to the office around 7:45.

She wants to get up and have me watch the kid every morning while she works out and showers, which means I leave around 8:30 for work. I want her to use our babysitter a few hours every morning so I can get to work earlier because I feel like I need to spend more time in the office. We already use the babysitter during the school year when she is working, I just want to make it a regular morning thing so I can get going sooner in the AM. My problem is I am usually the last one at work so I don't want to leave until everyone else leaves.

She feels like it is wrong to shuffle off responsibility for our kid like that. I feel like hey, I get up every morning at 6:30 with him, I am the one that puts him down every night for bed, I am doing a good job as a father and we need to use our resources (like the babysitter) to inject some sanity into our lives.

Anybody else had similar issues? I feel like I could walk up to any girl on the street and say hey - here's the deal. I'll pay for everything, new car, nice house, nice Iphone, you work the same hours as my old lady. All I need from you is 10-11 hours per day for me to work and get some exercise in. I don't go to the bar, I spend lots of time with my kid, but I take time for work and to take care of myself physically. Would you go for that? I feel like 99% of women would jump on that in a HEARTBEAT, but every time I suggest we use the babysitter more she has a total freakout on me.

[i82much]

FWIW, I feel pretty weird putting something this personal on the internet, but hearing other people's thoughts on this stuff is probably going to be helpful.

[lfdsteve]

After 30 years of marriage, some good, some not I can say that no matter the problem, you will NEVER solve it by making a list of how much you provide... That automatically transmits the message that 1. I do more than you and 2. I am bothered already by how much I do. There is no set in stone ballance of power or responsibility in a good relationship. Add in kids and forget about YOUR personal needs. Not to say they are not as important but you can't look at it as a me vs her thing. It may have to be a her needs(and the kid) now, mine get more priority later kinda deal.
It's all about compromise and sometimes that means someone else's needs come first at present...
Hope it makes sense and helps a little.
Steve

[i82much]

Originally Posted by lfdsteve

After 30 years of marriage, some good, some not I can say that no matter the problem, you will NEVER solve it by making a list of how much you provide... That automatically transmits the message that 1. I do more than you and 2. I am bothered already by how much I do. There is no set in stone ballance of power or responsibility in a good relationship. Add in kids and forget about YOUR personal needs. Not to say they are not as important but you can't look at it as a me vs her thing. It may have to be a her needs(and the kid) now, mine get more priority later kinda deal.
It's all about compromise and sometimes that means someone else's needs come first at present...
Hope it makes sense and helps a little.
Steve

I hear ya. I don't really know what to do. Basically, she feels like I am being selfish by working out twice a day. I would agree, but the total workout time is like 45 minutes. If I was working out two hours per day, that would be different. I stopped going to lunch and pack my lunch now just to give me time to work out.

I have been there when life gives you too many responsibilities to take care of yourself, working full time and going to law school, not exercising, eating like crap. I was fat and depressed and didn't sleep well, and I am not going back to that. I promise you life would be worse under those circumstances than it is now.

I am the only guy I know who feels like he has to hide the fact that he is going to the gym.

[Simple Man]

Maybe she could work out in the afternoon, with you. Or work out a schedule, where you work out together.
Personally, I don't see a problem with the babysitter idea. As long as you are spending time with the young'in, and it sounds like you are, I'd say bring in the sitter. Workouts are a great way to de-stress, or to get set up for the day.

[428 78T/A]

Been there done that. "You just want to look good for somebody else!" is what I used to hear. You getting any of that?

The best one I heard from my ex "You tell me you're going archery hunting and sitting in a tree for three hours? Can't you think of something better than that!?"

[i82much]

I go to bed with the little guy at 730 every night. Once he falls asleep, I come back down to help clean up for a bit, then I go to bed by 9:30. Granted, I only do 10% of the housework, but I still feel like she is getting a pretty good deal.

I honestly - and I hate to sound like a stubborn jerk - but I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of giving up my workouts, and I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of working less. I do a damned good job of providing for them, I do a damned good job of parenting my kid, and I am going to do a damned good job taking care of myself too, because that is what keeps me sane and able to do all the other things I do.

I feel like if we sent him to the babysitter in the AM for two or three hours, she could relax, work out, take a long shower, all that without the pressure of me staring at her wanting her to get done ASAP so I can go to work. She would be better for it, I would be better for it, and the time we spent with our kid would be better too because we would both be in better shape physically and mentally. But, from her perspective, she sees it as me wanting to push off my parenting responsibilities on someone else.

She is such a great mom, but I feel like she is putting her own expectations on me and not accepting that I can be a good father without spending every last free minute I have with our son.

[i82much]

Originally Posted by 428 78T/A

Been there done that. "You just want to look good for somebody else!" is what I used to hear. You getting any of that?

The best one I heard from my ex "You tell me you're going archery hunting and sitting in a tree for three hours? Can't you think of something better than that!?"

Was it a time thing, or a looks thing? I don't think this is a jealousy/looks thing at all. My fiance is very attractive and has her stuff together, good mom, solid professional, good worker, overall she really has her stuff together. I just feel like she wants to take the good of having kind of a type A professional - the new car, the Iphone, etc., without the bad - me being out of the house more than a guy that only works a 40 hour week.

[Rob B]

I know this is probably not the response you want to hear but Mom and how Mom wants things run in her home, with her kid comes first, especially with a toddler. If you want to stay together and both be parents to your son, your the one that's going to ultimately have to make the biggest adjustments (like them or not) because its pretty obvious from what you stated, she's not going to bend. And with her having a pretty "flexible" job as a professor/teacher, she probably doesn't know, wants to know, understand the style of work, what is asked of you in your work, or clients you deal with compared to the environment she works in. Comparing her to other women who would love to be in her situation (financially) or telling her what all you do for her (financially) as a provider is not healthy thing to do in any relationship in general otherweise you wouldn't have posted anything on line. Sounds kinda like your at a point of not being sure about your relationship. Kids are a total game changer when it comes to what you envisioned your relationship to be to what it actually ends up being.

[1968firebird455]

I ran into a similar situation with my ex where she liked all the benefits of having money but would always complain that I was never home and tired all the time. She wasn't wrong. It sounds like you are happy with your current schedule and its sounds pretty reasonable to me. First of all, a 1 year old isn't going to miss you from 7:30 to 8:30 in the morning especially if you are spending time with them in the morning and evening.

If it were me I would clearly comunicate with your wife and say I want to try a babysitter in the morning for 2 weeks then have the following week without her. At that time have a discussion with her and come to a conclusion on if it made both your lives easier or if it wasn't a benefitial as you once thought it would be.

[fred jernejec]

Maybe do the Mon. Wed. Friday, Sunday exercise route.

[Willshire]

I'm going with Rob B here. You are the one that must change. If you want to work out, get up at 5:30 before the kid does. You have to put aside your wants for the kid or adjust your life accordingly. Like getting up at 530! lol. I leave the house at 6:30 and get home at 6:30 5 days a week. i'm beat by the time i get home. and to add to what 1968firebird said, not only is the kid not going to miss you but when he is 4 they won't even remember you hung out with them. it's way more important to be with them when they can articulate who you are, and why they need you. Bed at 930? You are gonna lose that when the kid gets older lol. I used to work, in the field, office guy now, 14 hours a day 7 days a week for 2 years straight. i missed a lot of my eldest boy's firsts. Why do you feel like you need to work more? Never enough getting done? I don't claim to know how old you are but, if you start to work more they will start to expect more. Also not a road you want to go down. You have set the standard at 8 hrs. Keep it there, you will be glad you did. The older the child gets the more time you will give up. And if you don't give up the 630-830 now, in lieu of babysitter, you will give it up later.

I am totally impressed you get 9 hours sleep per day with a one year old! Kudos brother!

Is there a gym near work? you could blast out a 30 min workout at lunch

[i82much]

I think part of the problem is that, after he was born, I was leaving for work at 9 and coming home around 6:30, and I was working out a lot less. I was also working a lot more weekends to make up the time. My feeling at the time was that I had a newborn and I had to make sacrifices, but it was only temporary.

Now I am trying to get myself back in shape, adopt what I perceive to be a fairly normal daily schedule for an adult with a young child. In turn, I expect her to accept some changes to our daily routine. That imposes on her - she has to decide whether to use a babysitter, stop working out, figure out how to take a shower and watch the kid at the same time, or some or all of the above.

[Willshire]

Deciding between what you want and what your wife wants is always a tough one. She always wins in the end!

[i82much]

Originally Posted by Willshire

Deciding between what you want and what your wife wants is always a tough one. She always wins in the end!

What if she said I could only work 7 hours a day? Where does it end?

I think she's got it pretty good and needs to accept that I have a fairly demanding job and that I deserve time to take care of myself. I am more than happy to pay the babysitter a few extra hours to make that happen. And even she will tell you I am a good father that spends plenty of time with his kid. Isn't there a point where someone sits back, counts their blessings, and lets their significant other have a bit of a life?

Again - I'm not at the bar. I don't travel much for work. I am home every night to put my kid to bed. I just want us to use a babysitter to give me a little more time to get my side of things done.

[GT182]

Here's one thought.... you are only living together. What would it be like if you're married and have these problems. Or have 2 or more kids. Think about it.

Like Rob says, sitter for 2 weeks and none the next. I think she'll change her mind.

[Willshire]

Originally Posted by i82much

What if she said I could only work 7 hours a day? Where does it end?

A lot of us don't get to choose our hours. Mine is 8-5 and i live 1.5 hours from work. What hours would you normally work? Because that should be your normal hours. For her, no more than normal. For the kid, sometimes less than normal.

Originally Posted by i82much

Again - I'm not at the bar. I don't travel much for work. I am home every night to put my kid to bed. I just want us to use a babysitter to give me a little more time to get my side of things done.

I, like you, don't go out. I have put my wife through hell in the past so she has something to compare "now" to. My wife is not a professional so having a sitter is a waste of money and defeats the purpose of her having a job.

I had kids after i was married. not that the child is the reason you are getting married. Not that it matters my mom was pregnant with me when they married, and they just had there 40th.

My situation was similar except it wasn't workouts but, shop time. I had none! so i get it. If this is the smallest fight you ever lose, count your blessings! Or..................

sometimes it's just easier to ask forgiveness than it is permission! lol

[lfdsteve]

You should feel no guilt in working hard to provide for your family nor staying healthy enough to live long enough to care for them.
I would suggest either combining your morning/ afternoon workout into one( saves on prep and clean up time waste) or perhaps make staying healthy a group affair and work out with her. Get a sitter, work out together, grab some alone time at a restraunt, bar or park. Does your club provide child care or are u just using a home gym?
It's when she wants to "go work out" but without you that the alarms should go off!
Steve

[i82much]

I think I am just going to start working more weekends again. It's not ideal but if I need to work shorter days then I have to make up the time somehow. I think it is ridiculous because in reality I am spending the same amount of time with my kid either way - the time I miss with him on the weekends is the same time I would miss by leaving earlier for work during the week. But every suggestion I have gets shot down by her so this is the best I can think of.

[Willshire]

It's just me but I would never sacrifice my weekends for a work out I work all week to have the weekends off


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