Things NOT to say to your wife!!
 

I think this can be a fun thread where we men can learn from each other and the women can "perhaps" tudor us into the "right thing" while having their suspicions about us confirmed...

A while back my wife asked me if I thought her belly was getting too big, we both are in our 40's. For whatever reason, the automatic NO-ometer malfunctioned and failed to activate and I (no so) thoughtfully answered: "Honey, everyone can use some sit-ups." I think it's the longest I've gone without loving, except deployments, since we've been married.

No Honey, those pants dont make you look fat. Your fat makes you look fat.

I've been married long enough to know to not even hesitate a nano-second when answering questions of that nature.

Something tells me this is going to be a loooong thread.

:popcorn:

Dear, do I need to break up with my girlfriend?

Tupperware bowl? Yeah I dropped the pan on my tranny,I think it's still in the garage.

Being honest has been a curse to me.

Mark grenaded his rear end,so we had it towed here. It will only be in the driveway a few weeks.

Here's one that I was smart enough not to answer incorrectly.

My son's father-in-law was widowed several years before my son met his wife. During their engagement, the f-i-l started dating his deceased wife's divorced sister (they have since married). Kinda freaked the daughter a bit that her dad was dating her aunt but laugh about it now.

Anyway, when my wife heard the two were dating, she turns to me and says, "If I died, which one of my sisters would you want to date????"

Now, lucky for me, I'm not attracted to either of her sisters. So after a little hesitation (while I considered how this was going to be trouble for me) I said neither which I'm pretty sure is the only "correct" answer to this question/trap.

I'm pretty sure you don't want to tell your wife you'd like to date her sister, no matter how hot the sister is or what the circumstances may be!

trick question - define "date" <uhoh>

"The guy's & I are taking Skip in a stretch limo to the Gold Club for his 40th birthday." (It was my idea. :D )

Turns out, just looking at naked women in her book is cheating. :noidea: How was I to know.

We went anyways.

Ouch!! last week i said, is it really neccessary to suck on those chicken bones like that???

Wife, "Do you think I'm dumb?

Me, "No you are blond".

"you're acting like your mother more and more each day"

/Mother is certifiably insane. Seriously she is.

if you met my SIL you definately would saty single , and my wife knows this , she knows I won't be looking for a replacement unless it has 4 wheels and I don't mean in a wheelchair either .

She says "Look I've lost some weight"
You say " No you haven't it's right there behind you!"

Funny yes, smart No.

Yeah, I MIGHT consider selling the Pontiac. Just don't say it.....for any reason.

yep.**** doesn't go over well either.

Every so often I've had to put my wife back in check when she starts to get overly controlling or bi7chy.

I let her know that my life would get much easier without her in it.

More time to work on cars, more... everything...

But we are in a really good place now, so we don't have to "go there" very often, and hopefully never again.:D

BTW I could write a book on this subject. Not sure I want to be the subject of a witch hunt tho...........

Sadly, between an extreme case of ADHD and a broken edit button I have had my share of things I wish I hadn't said. Here's a few of my best (er um worst).

Wife: I think I've put on some extra weight.
Me: Well duh, you've had 3 kids. Crap, what I meant is... um.. I'll be in the shop.

Wife: I'm feeling a bit frisky tonight.
Me: (Thinking she meant like she wanted to debate. I was sadly incorrect) I'll be in the shop, have fun with that.

Wife: (after customer parts ordered, installed and car is ready for pickup) So, how much do they owe you on this one.
Me: Nothing, it was a trade deal.
Wife: What? Another one? How many cars do you need?
Me: I want as many cars as I want women.

Wife: Why do you work on so many customer cars but I can't get you to do a simple thing to mine.
Me: Because the customers help pay the bills.

Wife: You need to put up a fence to try and hide the cars and shop.
Me: Just get your sister to stand in the driveway. That'll hide it all.

Wife: My sister says she thinks you drink too much.
Me: I'll drink to that. Besides, she may think I drink too much, but I KNOW she eats too much.

Wife: Why do you need a fridge in the shop?
Me: To keep some things like food, pop, and scotch in.
Wife: Much more out there and you could almost live there.
Me: Damn, you caught on.

Wife: You already have a nice hot rod, do you really need another one?
Me: Well, I already have a wife but I really want a girlfriend.
Wife: If I can have a boyfriend you can have a girlfried.
Me: Oh, you mean we're not already doing that? I need to go make a call, and I better do it before 7:00.

I WEAR THE PANTS IN MY FAMILY!!
when she lets me

F! U! C! Face!

My favorite, I say once a month or so. "I didn't know if you wanted me to do the dishes.....so I didn't" We still don't have a dishwasher.

100% on how to lose an argument, drop the CBOMB!

C an't
U nderstand
N ormal
T hinking

Mine used to say i drink to much.
Responce; "its because of you"...
Dont let'r un-nerve ya so bad you say the "B" word...

"honey you do this almost as good as my ex" should go over well :p

Me: Maybe I should sell the pontiac.
Wife: Maybe I should kick your a** for even thinking that!

I think she loves the car more than i do!

Regamble wins!!!!!

At least if you were my husband, you'd get points for some good smart ass comebacks. :thumbup:

The seocnd one on the list... I could see Rob doing that. Actually I think he HAS done that. I said one thing and he mis-heard (which he does A LOT) and next thing I knew he was back in the garage. :mad:

I can relate.My wife is one of 11.Her mother wasn't/isn't qualified to have ANY.

Women: If you have to ask if you're fat, you probably are.


Play rodeo with her; tell her how good her friend is and see how long you can stay on.

Women, can't live with em...........hey Cliffy, pass me those beer nuts...

Girlfriend ask's. "what are you looking for in a women?" Me "A pulse!"

If your wife asks ''honey do I look fat'' tell her only when you are looking at me!

We've got a lead-plated stainless cooking pot because of one of my "Battery tear-down" explorations.


On the upswing; Really close to making a 8 CYL flower pot.

The last 2 years of my marriage...NO words were appropriate.

She complained that I wouldn't talk to her anymore....It's a long story, but our counselor told her (woman counselor) that she wouldn't of talked to her either!!!! No, this counseling session, was not why we divorced...:)

The Bible says, that a man is the leader of his household, not dictator, not the head asshole in charge. Just says leader, it's good reading, may not be easy to carry out in real life, but CAN work.

remember my present wife asking if the french frys tasted funny , actually they did , kind of tasted like how gear lube smells , then I asked her which fry daddy did she use , " the one out in the garage on the shelf because it had oil in it and was smaller , then I explained to her not to use any cookwear thats in the garage as I use it to work on cars/trucks /heavy equipment . whats the fry daddy used for ?? heating up bearings so I can slip them over shafts ....( you should see the looks at a jobsite when I am cooking up bearings for a dozer ) thank goodness I use vegie oil in it instead of petroleum .

when I remodeled the kitchen I took out the dishwasher ( come on theres only 2 of us how many plates can one dirty and I use paper plates ) well needless I am supposed to wash the dishes , as she doesn't dirty them up . funny my plates go in the trash .. but the sink is full .

"That looks like one of your mother's outfits" always pisses her off.

Wife: I'm so fat...

Me: Yep.. I had to fire my anal thruster to break orbit.

Wife: A$$hole!!

Honey,do I look fat in this dress? No-you look fat in EVERY dress! That one will really help you get back out to the shop.

"I think the clothes dryer made these pants tight."
"No, I think the refrigerator made those pants tight."

Take my wife.... PLEASE!

Mine asked me one day if her butt looked fat. I said "Nope, ain't nuthin there. You got noassatol. I can't figure out how you can stand up without fallin over on yer face." She got p!ssed just because I told the truth. Now when she asks a dumb question I just roll my eyes and head outside for a smoke.


Why is it that the older us men get, the faster we turn into Nuns?

Me: I just spent $400 on the Lemans. Can I still go to the all pontiac swap meet in Columbus Sunday?
Her: You can go, but you can't buy anything.

true, happened last night. sigh.
I was really wanting to go, too. But I got ahold of Mark at MADelectrical and spent $300 there since I actaully got him on the phone. Then got something from Amazon.

Russ

Real one:
Wife: Do these pants make me look too fat?
Me: Nope, just fat enough.

She's since learned not to use the "too" word in her questions.


Wife: You've got to cut down on your beer drinking, you're spending to much money.
Husband: What about all the money you spend on make-up.
Wife: That's to make me look better to you.
Husband: That's what the beer is for.

I still love you honey, I just wanna F! other women.

It did not go over well in 96
don't know why:confused:

"I hate every bone in your body, except mine."

A Gun! What do I need to get a gun for, with you shooting your mouth off all the time.:D:D

Ex-wife, "Trimmed or shaved?"

Me , "Trimmed definitely....dont be like your sister."